have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
