I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
