is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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