The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
