I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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