if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
