Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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