You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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