People in love make me want to vomit
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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