We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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