The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
