Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
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