she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
