wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
