i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
