new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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