My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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