If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
