Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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