yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
