you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My ass is underappreciated
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
