the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
