Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
A+ Viking dick
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
