I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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