I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
