Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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