maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
