For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
