I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
