I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
