69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I party with great urgency now.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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