ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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