There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
