My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
