Swine flu. Run for my life!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
