Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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