she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
two words...techno handjob
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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