WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
be right there i have to get my cape
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
