There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
