I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i think im in europe. pls send help
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
