i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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