Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
