better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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