So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
