I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
