You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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