the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
