If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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