No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
