If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
