Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
