So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
