He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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