i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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