I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
