He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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