if only i could text you this smell
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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