just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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