am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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