I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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